OOOOOOO!!! AAAAAAAAAAH! WOW! WOO-H00!! SPECTACULAR! BEAUTIFUL! LOVE IT!!!!
Ok, so maybe your marriage is a little less like this picture and a little more like my own marriage has been at times: same-ol' ordinary, daily routine. Or worse. Good news! That means there's room for improvement! I am not a certified marriage counselor, but I have been married for over 20 years, so that must make me certifiable for something. I'd like to share with you some of the things my husband and I have picked up over the years that have helped us tremendously.
If you do not feel safe in your home, or you believe your children are not safe, please call this toll-free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. They have contacts nationwide with over 4500 local safe houses and domestic violence programs.
If you do not feel safe in your home, or you believe your children are not safe, please call this toll-free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. They have contacts nationwide with over 4500 local safe houses and domestic violence programs.
When a person builds a house, they need reliable tools and accurate blueprints. The same is true for building a marriage. The book that has helped me the most with my marriage (in addition to the Bible) is The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb. Whether you have a troubled marriage, or you're just having trouble figuring out how to make it better, this book will zero in on the heart of the matter. To order from Thriftbooks, click on the used book link to the right. Shipping is free.
Marriage is an institution established by God from the very beginning with Adam and Eve. Like all the gifts of God, marriage has come under attack and is subject to distortion due to the hatred Satan has for anything good and our own human natures, which tend to be self-absorbed. Real, lasting joy only comes from bringing joy to someone else.God gives good and perfect gifts that will bring great joy to us when we use those gifts to bless others. Sadly, we tend to choke God's gifts by trying to turn them into a means of self-gratification. Selfishness is death to a healthy, harmonious relationship. A husband might think to himself, "She's been home all day. Look at the place, it's a wreck!" (she should be serving me). The wife might think, "All he does is work." (he should spend more time with me and make me feel special). While there is at least an element of truth to most criticism, and we would be wise to heed it, the point is this: focusing on the shortcomings of our spouse creates a negative energy drain in our love life, short-circuiting it. The Marriage Builder reveals how the right focus changes everything. Another book that can give you the tools to build a successful marriage is Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate . It explores five basic ways people tend to interpret love. You might be surprised to discover how easy it is to speak your spouse's "language" and what a difference it makes! The book links on the right-hand side bar are to Thriftbooks, a company that sells deeply discounted used books with FREE shipping. The links for the two books at the bottom of the page are links to Christian Book Distributors who sell new books for less than the other sites I have found that sell new books. Pride is another love-spoiler. Caring more about what other people think and feel than what your spouse thinks and feels pretty much sums it up. There is an "I" in the middle of pride for a reason. It's really just selfishness with a different face. Don't let pride steal the joy from your relationship. Never mind what your parents think, what the neighbors do, or what your friends are telling you. Anyone who tries to put a wedge between you and your spouse is not operating within God's will and design. AFTER GOD, YOUR FIRST LOYALTY IS TO YOUR SPOUSE, according to Genesis 2:24 and Ephesians 5. Oneness in marriage is designed to put on display the beauty and mystery of the relationship between Christ and His Church. Conflict caused by selfishness and pride destroys the joy intended for you to possess. One thing you can use in conflict resolution:
Seriously, though, don't underestimate the ability of humor to improve the overall tone in the home. Many times my husband has been able to relieve the tension in our home with his quick wit and a well-timed play on words or joke. He is also great to wait before he brings up something I've done to annoy him. Then, after he is not so annoyed, he uses exaggeration, making it so ridiculous that I have to laugh while still getting the point of how I can do better next time. Of course, humor needs to be used with discretion. When you are laughing, you might want to check to see if your spouse is also laughing. Make it your occupation to find out what makes your spouse laugh. Not everyone loves a good laugh, but chances are, your spouse will. With marriage, there are two different people trying to operate as one. It can be toilsome to sort out exactly who should give in and how much. Is the husband who works all the time doing so to make ends meet, or is he actually avoiding coming home? Is the wife who is home all day with a messy house frustrated to the point of tears caring for small children, unable to keep things exactly how she would like, or is she curled up on the couch all day reading a book? It may be that your worst suspicions are justified. If you respectfully share your desire for change with your spouse and hit a wall, and it is an issue important enough to you to cause potential damage to your relationship, you may benefit from a marriage coach. A pastor, godly lay leader, or Christian counselor may be able to help you both see things in a new light and find a solution you are both are happy with. If your spouse refuses to go with you, ask if they mind if you get counsel. Many times, they will be fine with that, since they most likely believe you are the one who needs help anyway. Your coach may have some great tips and advice for you on how to engage your spouse, especially if they already know him or her. Be very careful to guard against turning it into a gripe and gossip session. Share your concerns without damaging your spouse's dignity, if possible. The goal is to restore oneness |
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in your marriage.
You might be a person who is being taken advantage of because you are a natural giver-server. If you are hearing from more than two or three sources that you are being unfairly manipulated, and you either don't see it, or you don't know how to bring about change, seek counsel. Going with your spouse is always better, but that may not happen right away. Pray. Heed Scripture. Follow godly advice. Remember that although your marriage is your primary relationship humanly speaking, your ultimate Source of love, joy, peace, and hope is God Himself. From Him you can receive all you need to be complete and have a life that is more than full to overflowing with the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22,23). We can pray for changes in our spouse and our marriage, but ultimately you cannot control another person's choices. Do everything you can to be at peace with your husband or wife (Romans 12:18). This requires a blend of speaking the truth in love in some cases (Ephesians 4:15), and overlooking a fault in other cases (Proverbs 19:11). Many times both my husband and myself have put aside this desire or that preference for the sake of our relationship. Of course, our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect, however, often the things we think are paramount fade significantly when compared with having a harmonious marriage. Ask God to give you discernment and let Him be your Source for love, joy, and peace. Remember, as long as there is life, there is always hope!
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You might be a person who is being taken advantage of because you are a natural giver-server. If you are hearing from more than two or three sources that you are being unfairly manipulated, and you either don't see it, or you don't know how to bring about change, seek counsel. Going with your spouse is always better, but that may not happen right away. Pray. Heed Scripture. Follow godly advice. Remember that although your marriage is your primary relationship humanly speaking, your ultimate Source of love, joy, peace, and hope is God Himself. From Him you can receive all you need to be complete and have a life that is more than full to overflowing with the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22,23). We can pray for changes in our spouse and our marriage, but ultimately you cannot control another person's choices. Do everything you can to be at peace with your husband or wife (Romans 12:18). This requires a blend of speaking the truth in love in some cases (Ephesians 4:15), and overlooking a fault in other cases (Proverbs 19:11). Many times both my husband and myself have put aside this desire or that preference for the sake of our relationship. Of course, our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect, however, often the things we think are paramount fade significantly when compared with having a harmonious marriage. Ask God to give you discernment and let Him be your Source for love, joy, and peace. Remember, as long as there is life, there is always hope!
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The Marriage Builder By Larry Crabb / Zondervan Psychologist Larry Crabb cuts to the heart of the biblical view of marriage: the "one-flesh" relationship. He argues convincingly that the deepest needs of human personality--security and significance--ultimately cannot be satisfied by a marriage partner. We need to turn to the Lord, rather than our spouse, to satisfy our needs. This frees both partners for "soul oneness," a commitment to minister to our spouse's needs rather than manipulating them to meet our own needs. With "soul oneness" comes renewed "body oneness," where couples enjoy sexual pleasure as an expression and outgrowth of a personal relationship. The Marriage Builder also identifies three building blocks essential to constructing marriage: the grace of God, true marriage commitment, and acceptance of one's mate. Now for the first time, discussion questions have been added to aid couples who want to come to deeper understanding of marriage. Helpful to counselors and laypersons alike, The Marriage Builder is for anyone who longs to transform marriage from trial to triumph. |
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate - eBook By Gary Chapman / Northfield Publishing Marriages may be made in heaven, but they must be nurtured here on earth. In this new paperback edition of Dr. Gary Chapman's bestselling book, The Five Love Languages, he explains how people communicate love in different ways, and shares the wonderful things that happen when men and women learn to speak each other's language. Chapters are categorized by love language and each one ends with simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction. Paperback. A Focus on the Family recommendation. |